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The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again.

Its dinner time and Jeremy is finding it hard to get through his chicken soup.

To be honest, he really doesnt much like its taste or consistency.

I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.

I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

As his mother lives by herself in Golders Green, Sidney decides to send her the parrot as a present - it'll keep her company.

So he pays the £1,000 and arranges for the shop to deliver the parrot to his mother.

His mother doesnt slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "Thats nice, son, Im happy for you both."Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I've sent along my last ten pounds in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie.

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